November 13, 1812

he frost has begun to thicken upon every surface in the early mornings, at times not thawing out until well after breakfast, making the now barren trees shine as the weakening sunlight touches them. The age of the house is showing with each passing day by allowing the cold to penetrate at every thin corner and draughty passageway. Staying warm is far beyond my ability in such conditions, and I have been permanently attached to the fireplace in my bedroom or in the parlor, straying not away if I can help it lest I freeze myself straight to death! I cannot even play my instrument any longer, for my hands cannot bear the movements when they are so cold. I am told the weather will continue to get colder, and Mr. and Mrs. Hegwood tease me kindly about my obvious inability to remain warm. I cannot abide by the cold, and this is a painful sort!

Mrs. Hegwood has begun to decorate the rooms with sprigs of holly and other festive flora in light of the approaching holiday season. While I am not particularly fond of it, the bright colors and lovely fresh smells bring my heart a greatly needed cheer. It calls to my mind fond memories of my childhood, when the same sights and smells brought excitement and anticipation of guests from afar and so much joy and warmth. I am reminded most fondly of my mothers close friend whom she knew from school, Miss Isabella Ashborne, who much to our collective sorrow strayed far from us to Eastbourne after the death of her husband. She was always much like an aunt or an elder sister to me, and I have known her since I was but a babe. I wrote to her, as often as I could whilst back in England, but since I have been in America I am afraid no letter has been sent, and I am most remiss in my duties as a friend. I have resolved to write to her before the week is out, and recall the cherished memories of her visits during the holidays. I find myself remembering things about England that I will no longer be able to enjoy, at least in the same manner, now that I am in America. I will miss Mama and Papa deeply and Kathryn as well. I hope that she has been well, and will encounter no difficulties this winter as her condition every day progresses closer to the happy time.

Mrs. Vincent has invited Mr. and Mrs. Hegwood and myself to a dinner party and ball on their estate to celebrate the holidays, and I am told all the best society will be in attendance that is to be found in Albany. Mrs. Hegwood has expressed a great interest in the “various eligible bachelors” that will supposedly be there as well, even some with titles on the line to be inherited, visiting from home.

Says she; “My dearest Emily, it would be good to divert your attentions to someone who you can rely upon, child.” To this, I could not help but respond, entirely shocked and offended; “Mrs. Hegwood, I would expect more of your good opinion towards the Doctor! You do me great injury as well as to him.” I of course, could say nothing more for I did in truth have no grounds to claim him attached to me, as much as I wanted to state it as fact. She said no more of the matter, but patted me on the cheek and gracefully moved to another subject. Her words, though, remained with me for quite some time, and I began to think perhaps she was correct, and to lay away my affection for the Doctor unmarred by disappointment and heartbreak in their happy memory and move away from pinning my hopes there.

Without our knowledge, Mr. Vincent had observed the entire exchange from just beyond the doorway of the parlor. If Mr. Hegwood had not happened upon him and let out a startled exclamation, who is to say how much more he would have heard? By now I fear he already knows more than I wished him to. The Doctor was to remain safe from Mr. Vincent, locked away in my heart, but now I am afraid he cannot be any longer. Mr. Vincent is a terribly perceptive and sharp man, and will find it all out in time.

After his abrupt entry into our company in the parlor, he bowed graciously to Mrs. Vincent, and greeted her and humbled himself in a most falsely sanguine manner, causing my blood to boil. As he addressed me I returned them with the shortest answers deemed polite and sufficient, before sitting at the furthest corner of the room from him, forsaking my place by the fire, and picked up the nearest book. He was not to be dissuaded, however, and insisted upon sitting beside me and engaging me in conversation. Mrs. Hegwood suddenly remembered something that needed her direct attention, and made haste from the parlor, dragging the hesitant and confused Mr. Hegwood behind her. Mr. Hegwood turned to look at me over his shoulder as he was pulled from the room, and my eyes begged him to stay, but Mrs. Hegwood would allow no such thing, and forcefully bade him come away with tugs, looks, and threats.

Mr. Vincent watched them go, pausing in his barrage of dull questions and comments to hear the footsteps fade away from earshot, before wiping the gentle and amiable expression clear off of his face and donning his natural state, before turning back to me with a haughty sneer. “So, Miss Waterman, who is this Doctor,” said he as he moved closer to me, removing the book from my hands none too gently and tossing it onto the chair which just moments ago my only protector had occupied. I chose not to answer him and smiled, moving to the furthest end of the couch in which we resided, commenting on the sudden change in the cold weather. Mr. Vincent hushed me violently midway through my sentence, and startled, I chanced a look into his face, and I found it most ugly; flushed with anger and pride. “No, Miss Waterman I shall NOT be moved from this topic. You will tell me who this man is, and how he comes to dare have the claim over you which I so deservedly possess, for you are mine and no other man’s,” Said he. My heart trembled something wild within my breast and my hands shook, but I stayed my course. “Mr. Vincent,” said I, “It is no part of your business what I conduct in my personal affairs or with whom I conduct them. You shall not get the answer you desire from me, and this interview has concluded.” With that, I removed myself from the couch and from the room as quickly as I could, and left him there, spluttering in his shock and rage, to barricade myself in my bedroom.

It has been two days since, and I have heard nothing from him, and am gentling a hope into existence that he has gone from me for good, and I have succeeded at last. Mrs. Vincent must be entirely unaware of the exchange, for she has continued to amuse Mrs. Hegwood, and the invitation has not been revoked. Mr. Hegwood since that day, has begun to take a closer interest in my safety, and I believe he has made an acute observation of Mr. Vincent’s effect on me, and has taken pains to remain in my presence as often as he can. If I could thank him without him knowing of Mr. Vincent’s previous conduct, I would wash over him the kindest expressions of gratitude I know. Instead, I provide for him as much amusement and entertainment as I can, and he seems contended enough with that. He reminds me very much of my dear Papa, and I shall endeavor to be the best to him as his own natural daughter could be.

There is still no letter yet from the Doctor, but Mr. Hegwood assures me that he should be safe in England soon enough.

November 5, 1812

have been most spoiled by the affectionate and dearly sympathetic Mr. Hegwood whilst he has watched my daily decline in spirits and heart since receipt of the Doctor’s letter. He has taken a keen interest in rectifying my melancholy state and has offered and provided such a fatherly tenderness that I have warmed to him as much as to my own dear Papa. My rather spacious bedroom has most recently been furnished to my surprise with a very lovely and charming globe, which Mr. Hegwood informs me, is to be used to track the weekly progress of the Doctor’s travel. He, familiar with the course I am told, will assist me in where to place the marker every Sunday evening before I sleep. I am utterly delighted by this handsome and meaningful gift, and have spent long hours tracing the distance with my fingertips, memorizing, and yet despairing in it.

Since the rain has ceased for a spell and the roads have dried back to safe traveling conditions, The Vincent’s have resumed their nearly daily calls. Mr. Vincent has been less and less in attendance with Mrs. Vincent, but I am too suspicious to feel I am freed of him just yet. He has sent me notes in his absence from the Hegwood Estate, most of which I have tossed into the fire without opening, fearing reading the words would somehow allow for him to continue his hold over me without his presence. I can find nothing else to report of them since they have provided nothing extraordinary in their behaviors short of Mrs. Vincent’s usual effusive ways, and Mr. Vincent’s continued false sense of possession over me, so I shall spend no more time upon them.

I have written hastily to Georgiana to inform her of what has recently come to my knowledge about the Doctor, both his change of situation and my change of feelings, and have begged her if able to make a trip to London to report to me first hand in his safety and welfare, for she is most expedient in writing to me, and would be the first to inform me if anything was the matter. It seems foolish, but it has put my heart and mind at some rest knowing there will be a pair of very trusted eyes upon him.

I fear my time riding for the season may be at a close. Mrs. Hegwood has very excitedly expressed concern for me catching a chill riding out in the mornings where the frost is thick upon everything. I find it rather stifling that I must be kept indoors now all day even if the afternoons are fine, but I am too meek of late to argue the point. The instrument in the second parlor has provided me enough entertainment, though I am growing bored of the pianoforte in my excessive use of it. Mr. Hegwood finds great pleasure, though, during the evenings in listening to me play, and has boasted that ‘he will grow quite vain of his little charge’s talent if I continue to progress so charmingly’. I fear he will soon open the Estate for small concerts to all the neighbors, as he has oft suggested the idea to Mrs. Hegwood. It has been a great luck that the weather has proved fickle and unpredictable, preventing most from making any sort of trips too far from their homes. I do not wish to be made a spectacle of, only to use the music as a sort of salve for my wounded heart.

As winter is approaching, I am feeling the dullness of the season to accompany it. The grayness of the sky hanging over our heads and the abrupt end to the colors of Autumn have left my spirits equally dull, and I am forced to find more things within the walls of the Estate to occupy my time and my mind. I have spent some time writing poetry that frustrates me in its unwillingness to cooperate in making sense or stirring anything within anyone present (I pity Abigail immensely), I have drawn nearly everything and everyone within immediate vicinity to me, and have played until my fingers ached, and it seems to only dismiss half of the day. Mrs. Hegwood has recently invited me in her weekly visits to the less fortunate that reside around the property of the Hegwood Estate, ensuring their collective health and happiness. These visits have a talent for disrupting my mind’s stubborn orbit of the Doctor and my sorrow, and give me new focus and purpose. In the quiet hours of my home bound days, I have mended old clothes to give to them, made for them blankets, and have written up lessons for the children in arithmetic and language. I cannot feel sorry for my own unfortunate circumstances whilst so surrounded with theirs, yet they seem not to feel their situations, and it gives me strength. Perhaps I should increase the number of my visits during the week, and better fulfill my Christian duty, as certainly it will provide within me a peace and solace.

As each day passes, though, I am finding myself more and more able to tolerate the knowledge that the Doctor is every day growing more distant from me, and that our paths may never cross again. Who is to say how long I am to reside in America now, since it seems I have failed in my ‘duty’. I am no fool, and I know why Aunt Elizabeth sent me here, for more reason than her disregard for Mr. B--- for what other reason had she to dislike him so, than as competition for where HER heart desired for my future? She has won in the regard that I have placed all my hope and affections on the Doctor, but now he is quite gone, and I have succeeded in nothing but causing injury to myself, once more. I have started to write to her many times, but each time the letter has begun I have ended it by throwing it into the fire before the ink has even dried. I cannot bring myself to tell her what has happened, as I am not ready to tear myself from this place. Though Mrs. Hegwood oft exasperates me to no end, and the Vincents constantly plague me, my heart is still too attached to this continent, and my hope that the Doctor will return to America too strong. If I were to leave here now and return to England, and he were to return to America after all, we would be divided for certain, and whilst a spark of hope is still kindled in my breast, it must remain alive only in America.

I still every day stir from whatever it is that I am doing when I hear one of the footmen respond to the bell, or when I hear the approach of a horse’s hooves, though I know it is by far too soon to expect any letter. I count down each day to the prediction when Mr. Hegwood suggests the Doctor will arrive in England, and will place a new marker in my globe each Sunday evening, and pray with all my soul that he arrives safely, and will choose to return to me.

A rememberance

I was, today, giv'n mind of the trip to The Farnsley-Moremen estate in September. You may see said rememberance in the journal of Mr. and Mrs. Cummings. Look for our Miss Waterman engaged in her archery on the front page.

October 31, 1812

t was decided by all in the house, most servants included, that I should waste no more of my life mourning the departure of the Doctor, and I have taken the opportunity and forceful suggestions supplied to reach out to those about me to fill the empty place within my heart.

I wrote to Miss Liebert yesterday, imploring her to provide for me a kind heart and touch to rely upon whilst I felt I could not trust Mrs. Hegwood still. She immediately responded to the note, and made haste to the Hegwood Estate despite the threat of more rain and poor traveling conditions. I could not help it, my heart so exposed as it was and so tender to any sort of kindness, that I told her all. I told her everything from the first mention of the Doctor’s name in my home in England to the precise identification of my love for him discovered three days prior, and even all about the loathsome Mr. Vincent. Hours passed unnoticed by either party as I laid at her feet everything there was in the heart of Emily Waterman. The wonderful creature that she is, she only provided me a hand to hold and a gentle touch to brush away my tears as they fell in great numbers. She offered no suggestions, and no advice, only sympathies and a much desired gentle heart.

When finally the conversation turned to lighter topics, she suggested my attendance at a wonderful masquerade ball that was to be held that evening. Mrs. Hegwood, being always desirous for society, immediately agreed it best for my spirits. My heart still raw and yet to recover, I could not muster the energy nor vice to argue, and it was agreed upon by Miss Liebert and Mrs. Hegwood that I would go as an angel, as to them my face was nothing but sweetness and would hold no other disguise nearly so well. Mrs. Hegwood offered a new gown for the occasion, but I detained her and told her I would wear the same worn to the Congress of Vienna, and would accept nothing else. She of course could not understand my sentimental attachment to the frock, and I was not in the mood to discuss the matter. I removed the red trimmings to keep the proper illusion, and the ensemble was very well received by all present. The henhouse was raided by any of the servants who could be spared for any and all white feathers, and the quick and creative mind of Ms. Liebert produced a pair of serviceable angel wings to be worn with my snow white muslin ball gown. Pearls were draped through my hair and silk flowers, as well as three crisp and new Ostrich plumes. I confess I felt myself quite a magnificent sight as Mr. and Mrs. Hegwood, Abigail, and Ms. Liebert all fussed over me and crooned how lovely a picture I was.

Ms. Liebert parted our company shortly thereafter to prepare herself and informed me she would meet with me upon arriving at the destination of the ball. I went forth with great trepidation and feeling very exposed and alone, as Mrs. Hegwood was obliged to stay behind due to Mr. Hegwood feeling terribly under the weather as the change of seasons oft caused him troubles in the joints. Abigail accompanied me in the coach as far as the ball, but could go no further and must be brought back to the Hegwood Estate. I wandered aimlessly among the company present, knowing not a soul and seeing not a person I recognized even from the Congress of Vienna ball. My heart began to sink, and my mind was immediately brought back to that happy memory, though I could think of it with no joy. I fancied I could still smell the distinct scent of the Doctor’s wool coat upon my gown as I moved, and I was forced to find a corner in which to hide myself, as my breath was caught in my throat, and I could scarce see for the tears brimming in my eyes. I was interrupted by one of the servants and handed a note. It was from Miss Liebert, and to my horror she begged for my forgiveness as she was unable to attend due to her obligation to care for her ailing mother. Her apology sounded so earnest that I could not resent her for her duty as a loving daughter. I made amends to carry out the night on my own, and was resolved to enjoy myself at least in part. All present made such a lovely sight, that my breath was stolen quite away upon observing the dance floor. It was a magnificent and large ballroom, brightly lit with as many colorful fashions as one could possible imagine. There were trees, fairies, the night sky, spring and summer, and as many creative masques as I could think, though I was the soul angel in attendance, and too many times did I see groups look at me and whisper behind their fans. I could not be sure if I was receiving a compliment or if gossip of my solitary attendance was sprouting, and my confidence wavered.

I spent a considerable amount of time observing faces, and those I could not see, observing movements. I was exceedingly happy to discover that neither Mrs. Vincent nor her dreadful son Mr. Vincent were to be seen. With this knowledge, I felt my heart lighten, and I was able to enjoy some of my time, and even danced a few of my favorites. Whilst taking air between dancing, I glimpsed over the shoulder of the charming young lady I was speaking to, a face that looked so like Mr. B--- that my head began to swim and the poor lady before me was obliged to grasp my hand lest I faint, and I was afraid I very well may have if not for her. I regained my senses quickly enough upon the logical realization that it was quite impossible for Mr. B---- to be present in America, and even more so now that he was married to the Miss P---, now Mrs. B----. Despite the assurances I recounted to myself, the memories of my recent affliction came anew, and I excused myself from the conversation, and called for my coach. I plead unwell and was not delayed in my departure.

Once home, I was surprised to find Mrs. Hegwood still out of bed, waiting upon my safe arrival. She took my hand and led me into the front parlor where a warm fire was lit. She sat me upon a low foot stool, and placed herself in the large chair behind it, and delicately removed the pearls, flowers, and plumes from my curls, taking down my bound tresses, and gently ran a brush through them. She said not a word, but I knew by her actions and uncharacteristic silence she had read the Doctor’s letter while it lay out upon my writing desk. I could not constrain the tears that I had so wanted to weep upon her shoulder, and with the first shaking of my shoulders, she put down the brush, lifted me slightly, turned me about, and placed my weeping head upon her lap, soothing my brow and gentling me whilst I sobbed. I told her that I loved him, and how my heart has suffered such a grievous injury in his going away so soon after I arrived in America and our acquaintance bloomed into such a cherished friendship. She mothered my tears and my wretched sorrow for quite some time, until I had calmed enough to realize how tired my mind, body, and heart had become. Mrs. Hegwood lifted me from my low perch and assisted me to my bed, helping me to undress and to prepare my hair for the next day. She kissed my brow, and smoothed back a few stray curls, and told me that she knew just the thing to help my aching heart, and to fear not, she would make all right again.

I am unsure that it is wise for me to trust her entirely in this matter, and I fear I already know what, or who, her solution will be, but I will humor her for her kindness to me.

October 27,1812

f ever I could banish the emotions of my heart like the traitors they are, I would exile them to plague me no more. My tedious days of anticipation for a letter from the Doctor were finally broken by receipt of one at breakfast just this morn. My unequivocal joy could not have been more profound when I saw the neat yet hurried script of his across the front and felt his familiar seal against my fingertips, and immediately I excused myself to my room. I tore open the note with unreserved haste and poured over the words, drinking each one in as if it were water and I was dying of thirst. Mrs. Hegwood graciously permitted me the solitude to which now, hours later, I am grateful.

But my bliss was cut down so abruptly and dreadfully as I was to learn what his fate was to be. The Doctor is traveling to England, and is no doubt already aboard the treacherous ship to take him away. I have read his letter again, and again, and again and as morning drifted into afternoon, and afternoon has now stolen into a bitterly cold evening whilst I have wept and raged, the words I read I still refuse to believe as truth. To be so cruelly torn from my home in England and all that I loved only to have the single pleasure and single friend I have on this cursed continent snatched from my life is by all reason too hard a thing to bear. How shall I ever endure Mr. Vincent without the Doctor? I am certain that I cannot, and there is no strength to be drawn other than in what words I am lucky enough to receive should he write to me. There is nothing left for me to draw sanity from in the utter absurdity of my life.

Until I read this letter, which short of providing me with such afflicting news, gave me some comfort, I could not make any sort of sense in my feeling towards the Doctor. Now, though, the discovery has come too late, and is now utterly useless to me, and all for naught, for perhaps he will never return to us, and I will remain with the Hegwoods until old age and infirmity take me. I will not make the same mistake I made with Mr. B ---, and my feelings this time shall die unspoken with my last breath. I could not possibly suffer another such heartbreak, and he shall never know of them, and I fear I shall never see him again. Perhaps it is an entirely misplaced foreboding, but the whispers of a war between England and America place a sharp dagger of distress within my breast on the Doctor's behalf. I cannot think upon these baleful fabrications any longer, I shall go entirely mad with dread.

As it stands, I can only wait, or perhaps try to forget. I pray that Mrs. Hegwood allow me my sorrow, and grant me my peace in asking me no questions for my hours of isolation, as I have yet to set foot out of the safety of my bedroom since receiving the letter. I fear I am unable to speak upon it presently, and as I write the tears continue to stain my pages and distort my words. I can only write to him now, and obey his earnest request that our correspondence continue, regardless of circumstances, and endeavor not to convey my entirely distraught heart through my words, nor betray what it is I am all too afraid has occurred within me, for though I have fought it since I had even a tiny notion of it, the truth is so very plain that I am hopelessly in love with him, and now he is gone.

October 18, 1812

or three days it has done nothing but rain with no break that is to be predicted for the future. Under any normal circumstances, this would have caused me no small frustration and annoyance, and proved terribly inconvenient, but I am learning as my time goes on here, positively nothing about life at the Hegwood Estate can possibly be considered normal. In this case, the persistent storming as given me sincere reason to rejoice in the fact that the odious Vincents have been unable and unwilling to brave the conditions to call. I have been constantly plagued by their presence for nearly five straight evenings, and during the days Mr. Vincent has taken the time and liberty to hunt me down and seek out my favorite places to ride in the mornings and lie in wait to ambush me as I pass, fabricating some reason for his waiting about in the middle of the country, and then proceeding to force his company upon me for as long as he is able. I fear he is becoming all too familiar with my sometimes overwhelming diffidence, and has tested his boundaries as far as he can on that account, and has began to exploit it, that dreadful man. I wish that I only had my sisters strength of mind and heart to battle such loathsome beings. He very well knows by now I have not the courage to be rid of him for the sake of Mrs. Hegwood. I can too plainly see it in the smirk he tries to hide from his mother and Mrs. Hegwood when he demands my company and knows I cannot refuse him.

The last time Mr. Vincent accosted me, though, I was prepared to best him in any way I could. Feigning disobedience from my gelding, Jack, I gave him leave to gallop off at a frightful pace in the crisp morning, as his feet were already dancing beneath him, and poor Mr. Vincent's sour faced nag could never hope to keep up. Jack and I were long gone before Mr. Vincent even had half a mind to give chase, and when I felt we were a sufficient distance away, I could do nothing but laugh for what seemed like an eternity, until I could scarce draw breath and tears of mirth streamed from my eyes. Good Jack, he has never let me down. I felt almost piteous for Mr. Vincent, but as truth would have it, I could only feel a naughty sense of joy for having gotten the better of Mr. Vincent.

I fear he found out my ruse, though, and punished me for it most harshly in his own manner. I received that evening a long note from him that was first passed through Mrs. Hegwood's hand, apologizing profusely for his inability to provide any sort of aide I may need in what was obviously my "imminent danger" and wished to call upon me tomorrow to assure himself of my safe arrival after my "all too terrifying flight". He kept true to his words and we received him shortly after breakfast, and he did not depart until well after supper, and I was powerless to escape and was under his thumb the entirety of his stay. His hold over my weak heart is alarming, and each day I see his confidence in it grow, and he becomes more bold with his tongue. I suppose this is the answer to his at first perpetual silence and observation. He is nothing short of a monster, and I wish to be rid of him.

To my horror, I have noticed Mrs. Hegwood and Mrs. Vincent have taken to whispering behind their hands whilst observing us and allowing for times where Mr. Vincent and I are left wholly unchaperoned. I can only dread what sort of business the two women are putting in the other's heads, no doubt ideas placed there by Mr. Vincent himself. I must find a way to voice my aversion to any sort of attachment they may be formulating, as I cannot and will not bear anymore of Mr. Vincents distressing company, most certainly if they insist on contriving a mutual affection.

Still I have received no word from the Doctor, though in truth I know he has not yet reached his home, as it is such an appalling distance from us. During these dreadful times it seems I have been desirous more and more for his calming presence, and I feel quite undone without his soothing company. I have read the few letters I have from him again and again until the words have become an old friend to me in my solitude. I feel quite alone and friendless as this all has transpired, for it seem until Mrs. Hegwood removes this foolish idea of Mr. Vincent and myself from her mind, she is but an enemy to me in this house, and I have only the mild and reserved Mr. Hegwood for company.

I wish daily to escape to better memories, but instead will take what solace I can in the rain and the absence of my charming faced and honey voiced villain.

October 13, 1812

aily life continues at the Hegwood Estate in the normal course of action, which is to say anything but normal. Perhaps it is the normal custom for the Hegwoods to sooth an aching heart and empty space by integrating themselves in society on a nightly basis, but for my part I so desperately crave and am in want of solitude and peace. Since the Doctor left, I have had little to no taste for any company other than my own melancholy mind. I have since taken to spending long hours in the back parlor, larger and the most removed from where there is the potential of unwanted, and for that matter any, attention and conversation. That room provides me with the most privacy and solitude, as well as boasts the better of the two pianos in the house, and I have found a balm for the empty space I feel exceedingly by playing for hours, and occasionally singing. Dear Mr. Hegwood, the quieter and gentler of the two, has taken to wandering in and out when mrs. Hegwood is away, sometimes sitting to listen, and offering no interruption other than the quiet click as he closes the door behind him when he leaves, but for the larger portion of my time spent there, I am so wonderfully, and so dismally, alone.

I have begun to watch daily for the post, hoping each time for a letter from the Doctor, though it is but three days since his departure and he left me with no promise of writing to me. The routine of waiting, however; has left me with something else to fill the loss, when the music is not always enough. I did, however, receive another note from Georgiana, as well as a wonderful gift of positively sublime silk in a shade of olive green that I do so adore. Such a kind gift did wonders for my heart, and now I must decide what I wish to do with it, a task which I can be assured will take much of my mind away from the dear Doctor.

Autumn has finally arrived with no want of ceremony, supplying a spectacular display of colors spanning from the brightest yellows and golds to the deepest and richest of reds and auburn. I have taken to the gardens in the afternoons when the weather is warm enough to try and capture the beauty of the patchwork hills around the Estate in watercolors and oils, with few successes, as the beauty is so striking and wild I cannot seem to capture it on canvas. I have sent the only ones I felt suitable to keep on to Mama and Papa for their pleasure, and one also to Kathryn to place in her home. I have heard very little from them all, but it is to be expected as Kathryn's condition progresses. I believe I now have to place my desires for familial comforts in the all too capable hands of the Hegwoods, who have by all accounts supplied me with more of the sort than I have ever had in recent memory, even in my own home.

Mrs. Hegwood has begun her 'duty', one could say, of fulfilling that service by inviting all sorts of varying company in what I suspect is her attempt to distract me from my ever persistent doleful and disconsolate temperament, and to find for me a suitable companion other than Abigail and the household cat, who I would prefer over any body presented to me as she cannot speak, and therefore cannot annoy. I have named her Penelope, and we have grown attached to one another, and she has even taken on the colder nights to sleeping beside me, much to Mrs. Hegwood's antipathy.

Yet for all of my detachment from these current events, one person in the parade of bodies in and out of the house in the past three days has in fact provided me with adequate distraction, though I am sure it is not in any way the manner which Mrs. Hegwood had intended. Mrs. Hegwood's closest friend, Mrs. Vincent, a very loquacious woman with stories often as expansive as her figure, has taken to including her eldest son in her visits, which I can only attribute to Mrs. Hegwoods suggestion for my benefit, as he was first introduced to me the very day the Doctor left. I can only surmise Mrs. Hegwood thought me in want of company on such a day of somber events, though my actual desires could not have been more contrary to her assumptions. The Vincents dined with us that night, and after supper I entertained our little group by playing the piano, then singing whilst Mrs. Hegwood accompanied me. Mrs. Vincent, in her usual fashion, praised and lauded the entire show far above and beyond what was necessary for the performance for much too long, only so that she could hear herself make pretty speeches. Mr. Vincent, so drastically the opposite, said no more than ten words to any of us gathered the entire course of the evening, but every time I chanced a glimpse in his direction, his gaze was affixed upon me in a most unsettling manner. Mr. Vincent outwardly is not an unpleasant person, as his features were very fine and pleasant indeed, but I fear if he always carries on in such an awkward and uncomfortable manner, that they alone will be his only saving grace.

The Vincents came again this evening, and it was much the same as it was the first time. Mrs. Vincent scarce drawing breath, and seemingly determined to talk us to death or crush us with the absurdity of her recollections, whilst Mr. Vincent spoke hardly a sentence longer than five words if you were lucky enough to pull one from him, but all the while watching me! After we dined, instead of providing more musical entertainment, I was obliged at the request of Mr. Vincent to participate in a game of chess with him, though I have little skill and even less desire for it. Again and again I tried to make some attempt of pleasant conversation, but it was very akin to speaking with a piece of furniture, or perhaps a plant, and when he was not deciding his next move, he persisted in watching me with no emotion. He made me so dreadfully uncomfortable that I could bear it no longer, and pleading unwell, I made a hasty retreat and escaped to my fortress of peace and sanity, with my favourite of companions waiting for me; the cat.

I am informed by way of Mr. Hegwood wishing me a good night, that Mr. Vincent means to call tomorrow afternoon, this time without his absurd counterpart, Mrs. Vincent. For reasons I cannot explain, I find this knowledge vexatious and distressing, and I dread the moment where I must be confined to his presence for sake of polite company. Even now, in my mind, I can still see his wretched gaze, staring at me through unfeeling blue eyes, and it quite honestly, they frighten me. How I wish the Doctor were here.

October 10, 1812

he Doctor left too early this morning, and I was not prepared yet to say farewell. I slept not a moment this past night, and though it has been hours since his departure, I feel his memory through the empty house. His company these past days has been a most welcomed disruption in our daily lives. I know not how I missed him after the pleasure weekend at the Farnsley-Morman Estate until his arrival at the Hegwood Estate last Monday evening, and I set eyes upon him again. He was of course wholly unchanged in such a short while, but I did notice his ever rare yet engaging smile came easily and remained longer then last I recall. He was most polite and charming to the Hegwoods, and ever obliging to their persistent teasing. For the majority of the week he was absent from our company as his trip was not solely for leisure, but mainly for business. The evenings, though, were all ours, and were spent in merriment with idle talk, cards, and other amusing activities. The Doctor even taught me to play a charming game called "One-and-Thirty" much to his demise thereafter, as I lost not a single round in all the time we played. I should have played for money, but I believe I won enough of his pride that night to suffice.
On Friday, we even ventured to the coast for a picnic, and I swear in my time in New York I have never seen the ocean so blue, nor the weather so fine. Seeing the ocean seemed to please the Doctor immensely, and it pleased me to see him smile so much. He even risked getting his boots wet more than once to peruse a small little tunnel made in the rocks with many carvings all about it from previous visitors. His curiosity was most charming in its almost childlike fascination.

Saturday, as the Doctor had no business again, brought another sort of busy day in which Mrs. Hegwood insisted upon calling on everyone she possibly knew in town to present to them the Doctor, which she had no doubt regaled with stories regarding both of us, and I am certain what she did not know she filled in with her own versions. All the while the dear Doctor remained perfectly cordial and polite, albeit quiet and very reserved. Who is to blame him? I was most impressed with his patience during the entire ordeal, at times I think there is no end to it, and the man should be brought up for sainthood.

Time slipped past us entirely unnoticed during the course of the day, until it was brought to our attention how very late the hour had become and the sun was quickly fading. We had lost almost all of our time to prepare for the ball! Mrs. Hegwood was nearly beside herself upon realizing how behind our schedule we were, and I confess her distress was infectious and I myself was in a bit of a state, as I do so hate to be late to anything. After a such a length of time previouslty thought impossible, our small party which included Ms. Liebert, Mr. Simmons, the Doctor, and I, departed in the carriage in high enough spirits and feeling very fine indeed. I felt especially lovely despite myself in my newest frock of white muslin with white-work around the sleeves and hem, with bright red silk trimmings, and it seemed well received by my party, the Doctor included, who was sure to compliment me more than once through the night.

The location of the ball was a painfully long journey of an hour, and since we were required to take the longer route, adding even more to our late schedule, I felt my mood begin to sour. This was not helped by the poor condition of the roads and the poor directions we were given. I was resolved not to arrive to the ball in a state of agitation, but as time wore on I felt that resolve wane, and by the time we finally arrived I excused myself from my party to have a few moments in solitude to compose my temper and remain the face of sweetness; for the Doctor's sake, as I would not have him see me so terribly ill-tempered.

When the dancing ceased momentarily as to allow a break for the musicians, I took the opportunity to introduce the Doctor to the few acquaintances present, and he was very well received by all, and showed no signs of having been present for grave amounts of distress just hours earlier, to which I am eternally greatful.

I fear I lost sight of the Doctor shortly after his introductions and the music started again, as I was hastily accosted by friends and berated with questions regarding the Doctor, as well as called away to dance. I oft looked for the Doctor among the crowds, worried he would be left quite alone and feeling abandoned, but each time I spotted him, he was dancing with Ms. Liebert, or speaking with Mr. Fox or Mr. Seeley.

As the night wore on, I was beginning to think I would never get a chance to dance with him, and felt perhaps I had not honored his request of my company well enough. The last dance was called as a waltz, and I felt certain the rather old fashioned Doctor would have little to no interest in this new dance, but I was pleasantly surprised to see him suddenly before me, holding his hand out for me with a small, secretive smile. I happily placed mine in his, and he led me confidently to the floor, saying nothing and giving away nothing. The music started, and I was immediately swept up in a dream. The Doctor despite any of his previous claims was light on his feet and a wonderful dancer, and what is more, he knew how to waltz! I felt as though time itself disappeared. Well before I was ready, the music ended, and the world came back to present, and suddenly I needed to escape. With a hasty courtsey, I left the Doctor on the floor and made for the small gardens at the back of the house. I found an empty bench away from the crowds and sat down, watching the company slowly break off into small groups to talk, or to make for their respective carriages.

My heart could not beat any harder, lest is beat right out of my chest, and I sat deep in thought, a crease in my brow as my mind traveled to what just had happened. I did not even notice the Doctor approach my corner of the garden until he spoke, startling me out of my reverie. "I did not know anyone could look so cross at such a merry place, Miss Waterman", said he. Not wanting to expose myself and my thoughts, I provided some excuse such as our late arrival as explanation to my mood. He stood in silence, then sat at the bench across from me, close enough to let his knee brush across mine! I glanced down, but said nothing to point it out.

He noticed me fingering the torn loop of my dress, which was to hold up my skirts from under my feet, and inquired if any other damage had been done. I replied that no, thankfully, other than a few stains from dirty boots that were placed by the same gentleman who was clumsy enough to trod upon my gown causing the damage. The Doctor asked after which gentleman was the culprit, and after a description and his name, the Doctor produced the most mischievous grin I have seen on a grown man, and quickly stood up and looked about. Upon not seeing the aforementioned gentleman, he turned to me and said "Ah yes, Mr ---. Have you noticed, Miss Waterman, that Mr. --- has such a particular way of standing,very similar to this-" wherein the Doctor splayed his feet in a most awkward and ungraceful manner, and continued, "to where he looks very much like a duck!" With this he put on quite a show of mimicking the particular gentleman in his style of dancing and walking, all the while quacking in a most undignified manner until I was quite overcome with laughter and tears sprang to my eyes. Satisfied he had pulled me from my gloomy humor he sat back down in his previous place, still grinning like a naughty schoolboy when I chastised him for behaving so.

Silence finally descended upon us once more, and again he allowed his knee to brush mine. I am sure he had something more to say to me, but his attention was diverted to Ms. Liebert, who was waiting by at a respectable distance, signifying our carriage has been brought around at last and was ready for us. Before we rose, he stayed me just a moment longer, looking at me with a rather distracted and suddenly shy glance, and asked me in a low tone "Miss Waterman, would you be so kind, rather, would you do me the honor of..would you..would you be opposed to holding my hand whilst in the carriage for our journey to the Hegwood Estate?". He shifted during the whole speech uncomfortably, and looked everywhere but me, and displayed such a charming state of shyness I could not help but tease him. To him I responded with a kind laugh, "My dear Doctor, are you in fear of either of us losing our balance and falling whilst seated in the carriage?" He looked at me so earnestly that my teasing tongue was immediately reproached by myself, and I softened my smiled. He responded after some time spent fidgeting and searching for the right words, telling me "Well...No..I just...I just" To this, I blushed and lowered my eyes to look at my hands clasped about my fan in my lap, and to our knees, still touching. "Then, my dear Doctor, it would be my honor and pleasure to do so, but you must promise not to tell Mrs. Hegwood, as she will either scold me or tease me until I cannot bear it any longer and do something rash!". He seemed satisfied with this answer, smiled warmly at me, and we stood, and he wrapped me gently in my shawl. With my arm through his we made our way through the crowds to our carriage.

To our advantage, Ms. Liebert and Mr. Simmons were so...distracted they failed to notice as the Doctor slipped his hand beneath mine on the seat beside me, and for the rest of the trip home, it moved not from that place, and I made no motion to change that, as I was quite content to have it remain as it was, and for longer if given the choice, but alas we had arrived too early at the Hegwood Estate, and our happy evening was coming to a close. No words were exchanged as we entered the house and as he escorted me to my room. I looked up at him, and without knowing he was looking down at me our eyes met for a few remarkable moments before he offered me a bow as a swift goodnight, finally releasing my cold hand from his. He left with no words, and as he entered his room at the end of the hall, he spared a moment to look back at me, and there I stood transfixed, my face illuminated by the candle and my hand on the door.

I will never forget how his eyes, ever entrancing to me, looked at that moment. When dawn came at last after my sleepless night, and we were forced to see the Doctor away back to the South, the image remained with me still, and has carried all the way to this moment. I refuse to make any admissions of anything yet, as I know nothing and can make no sense of what I feel, but I will at least admit this; the Doctor has made a dramatic and somewhat frightening impact on me since I have known him, and I still cannot work it out. I cannot compare it to my feelings I had once for Mr. B--, they are entirely different yet so much the same. I shall write to Mama, Kathryn, and perhaps even Cousin Georgiana directly, and beg for advice to aide me.

There is an empty space in the house where the Doctor once was, and I believe all present in it feel it sharply.

September 28, 1812

most exciting letter arrived today from the Doctor as if reading my very thoughts. To my initial disappointment, it was a very brief letter, a bit unlike him, and looked as though it had been squeezed onto a spare bit of paper next to a very fascinating sketch. However, this time I was not distracted by what was around the content of his letter, for all my focus was on the wonderful news he presented me. The Doctor is journeying north to New York for business and has informed me that he will be breaking his journey with the Hegwoods for a time! He also informed me that whilst he is in New York he plans to attend a great ball to be held here in honor of the Congress of Vienna! How surprised was I to discover his interest in such a festive and social gathering. I was quite taken aback as he also requested my company whilst in attendance at the ball! I fear my cheeks began to burn instantly at the thought, and I glanced up to notice Mrs. Hegwood watching me as I poured over the letter during breakfast, and was entirely unable to hide my excitement. When I finally put the letter down after reading it over at least three times, my smile giving me away entirely, Mrs. Hegwood clapped her hands together and broke into such a fit of uproarious laughter I never heard, and could only watch her dumbfounded.

I later discovered from her that the Doctor had written ahead to Mr. Hegwood for permission to dine with us and then for my company at the ball. Of course Mr. Hegwood accepted with great pleasure, and Mrs. Hegwood begged it to be a secret until the Doctor write me himself. What wretched teases they are! It finally shines a light on their various bouts of laughter after passing looks and dare I even hazard winks back and forth for the past week.

Regardless, I could not be more excited for the Doctor's approaching arrival, and will be pleased by the change of company in this oft empty feeling home. I have written immediately to the Doctor accepting his request of my company most happily and greatfully, and hope that he receives it before his arrival. I do not wish for him to think I have disregarded his most flattering offer, and am honored to accept, as I told him.

Mrs. Hegwood is nearly breaking down my door in the most polite manner possible, as she is most desirous to once again venture out and spend yet more money in the efforts to dress out myself for the new occasion. cannot say I am not excited for the prospect, I feel now I have someone else to take into consideration whilst choosing my frocks and hats.

Dear me, am I warming toward the Doctor?

September 25, 1812

he time passes so slowly since I have been home in New York. That is not to say there has been by any means a lack of activity for it has been quite eventful, but heartbreak makes my hours linger and my mind dull.

Mr. B- received my letter sent to him whilst traveling to America, after all. When I returned from the weekend in the South, there was a letter awaiting my attention. To my surprise, it was untouched by Mrs. Hegwood, even though it was plain to see who it was from, and I am positive that Aunt Elizabeth told her what she told the Doctor in regards to our ‘conduct’. I cannot thank Mrs. Hegwood or show her my gratitude properly for her discretion and respect of my privacy, for that would then break the confidence of the Doctor, who allowed me to read the personal correspondence from my Aunt to him.

I wasted no time in engrossing myself in his letter, not even taking time to remove my gloves or hat, only to stop up short as my first letter fell to my feet. I retrieved it with shaking hands as my eyes were affixed to the words obviously hastily scribbled out with little regard for the recipient. Mr. B-s words were nothing short of the most wretched way to break a heart imaginable, and took great liberties in stepping upon mine.

My letter to Mr. B was as follows:

Dearest Mr. Brennan;

As I am no doubt thousands of miles from my dearest and most beloved home and family, I fear I cannot keep my feelings to myself lest I never see you again and they die unspoken.
Since you returned from the coast and I first laid eyes upon you since we were children, such a growing admiration and affection towards you has grown and I hardly know how to understand it. My every thought since I departed England hand your company has been upon you and many a tear has been shed under the threat of my possible permanence away from you. I have oft dreamed of your appearance in America to rescue me from exile to which I have no understanding, and bringing me back to England. I know that Madeline has an idea of my regard for you, and I do not doubt her full support. I know that the only person to which the idea would be displeasing is my Aunt Elizabeth, but I promise you that I would forsake her fortunes and forsake her affections if only you were to tell me you felt the same.

I beg of you to write to me the moment you receive this, and will look for your response every day that I am in America.
With all my heart I am and remain,
Ever yours

Emily Waterman

Mr. Brennan’s response to myself is as follows:

Miss Waterman,

I received your letter sent to me over-seas with a great shock. I was entirely unprepared for such confessions and most certainly taken by surprise they came from you.
However; I must immediately be so good as to inform you that I am promised to the Miss Penrige of London, and we will be married by the end of the month of September. 

To continue, I cannot fathom under what pretext you would consider my returned affections and under what delusions you would have of your eventual rescue by myself. I have never had the slightest intentions or interests in you, Miss Waterman, and would not dream of putting my life at risk to return you to England, I leave that to your most impulsive and ridiculous Aunt and would not for all her fortunes or your fathers put myself in any connections to you or your family.
I beseech you to put this ridiculous notion out of your head immediately as I assure you I have. I have returned your previous letter as I will have no use for it in my life.

Know that regardless of all I have said, I wish for you health and happiness in your life in America, and ask that you not write Madeline in regards to the subjects covered in this correspondence.

I am, Madam,
Charles Brennan

I have spent my recent time in a most pathetic state, and dear Mrs. Hegwood asked me no questions, and provided nothing but unconditional care and kindness. I confided only in Abigail, who declared Mr. B- the most abominable of characters imaginable and a wealth of insults that made even herself blush and me to laugh until tears came to my eyes. I have recovered I feel almost entirely with such wonderful company about me, and neither Abigail nor I will tolerate his name being mentioned in my presence. I have made Abigail promise to not tell a soul in the house for fear it will get to Aunt Elizabeth who will see it fit to transport me back to England now that Mr. B- is no longer a threat. I quite frankly do not wish to quit America yet; it has won my heart and is becoming comfortable.

I received an unexpected but greatly appreciated letter from my favorite and ever amusing Cousin, Lady Georgiana Sully. It has been such a considerable time since I had heard from her last and it was the exact balm for my wounded heart. She has obviously been fully appraised of my situation, and her skill of finding gossip did her much credit this time, as she informed me of Mr. B-s appearance in Bath with a certain Ms. P off his arm, I can only assume the same her mentioned in his letter. Georgiana also took liberties with her pen furled by what I can only imagine as my Aunt’s telling of my correspondence with the Doctor, predicting marriages and all sorts of feeling that I cannot say I nor the Doctor possess. Why, as I told her, the Doctor would not so much look at me with interest of that sort as I would have a chance of Mr. B- suddenly looking at me with the same thoughts. Bless her, I know she is only keen on my heart’s well-being, and do not reproach her for her over-excitement.

I do hope that she writes me more, as her guidance would always be much adored, as Kathryn’s life is much too busy, now that she is expecting! Soon things will be very different for Mama and Papa, and I fear soon I will be almost forgotten entirely in the excitement of the approaching new beginning.

I also hope to receive something from the Doctor. I have discovered myself missing his company of late, and could do with the diversions of his letters.

September 19, 1812

ast night proved just as cold as the first, and just as uncomfortable, but again I would not change my situation for the world. Exhausted as I was, though, I slept little; my mind continuing to chase these new thoughts in circles around and around and I could get no peace. I willed morning to come quicker, desirous to see the Doctor again, and to speak to him, despite my better judgement.

When finally the sun did rise I rose with it, trying to will my aching body to move more comfortably. I dressed today in my dark blue gown with lighter blue muslin jumper. It was not my finest frock, but I was not in the mood to be in discomfort today, as I knew in the evening I would be traveling back to New York, and would likely have no time to change. I dug out my favorite gold and black shawl, donned my new straw hat for I was seeing more sun than I would have liked upon my face, and ventured out in the dull morning air. I was to discover that the Doctor had not risen yet so I sat with Mrs. Graham and Mrs. Mudd and conversed about clothing and fashion. I found the time with them was very enjoyable and passed very quickly, and I am missing it considerably now.

Before too long, the doctor appeared walking beside the very amiable Mr. Minnis who was shuffling a deck of cards as he walked. They joined us at our table and suggested a few games to pass the morning until the day's activities could begin. Mr. Mudd who also joined us attempted to teach our little group how to play a game which I cannot recall the name of, but shortly after he began he came to the realization that he had lost us in his explanation, so he gave the cards to the Doctor who taught us to play Speculation which I delighted in. We played through a few rounds before the rest of the camp finally began to rise, and at eleven it was decided the weather was perfect for a walk of the grounds we had not yet explored. We started with a large group but as we ventured further from the house the vast majority of the ladies dropped off and returned to camp.

As we made our way through the small wooded area behind the house gardens, we were suddenly greeted by an abrupt end of the trees and a wide green field lay before us. My heart leapt in my breast and my breath caught upon seeing it and I slowed to properly take in the beauty of it, my eyes wide with wonder. The grass blew across the field in waves of silver and green and in that moment I felt so at peace. I could tell the Doctor was watching me. We had not spoken much at all that morning other than a short morning greeting and now I looked at him and I could not contain my smile. I confided in him quietly when the rest were out of earshot that the field before me made me want to just run across it and feel the wind upon my face. He looked at me with raised brows and I swear I could tell he was forcing himself not to smile at my childlike wonder. "Miss Waterman," said he; "That would be most improper..", my face fell as I knew this and had hoped he would not mention it, but he continued upon seeing my eyes; "but I will tell no one if you choose to do so."

Given that slight permission I immediately gathered up my skirts and took off as fast as my legs would take me. Such delicious freedom! Such unbound joy! I felt as if I were a fawn, leaping through the tall grass as swift as the wind, my hat falling off my head to hang about my neck from the ribbons. I was certain I could just fly away.

All too soon, however, I had caught up with the rest of our group and slowed before they became any the wiser to my dash through the grass. Mrs. Mudd turned to me when I caught up with her and began to say something; but stopped short upon seeing my heaving breast, shining eyes, and flushed cheeks. She laughed at me and I put my finger to my lips, she had figured me out but would keep my secret.

By this time we had walked a considerable distance from the house and could see across the field a small brick chapel standing alone amongst overgrown trees. All that was left of our group was Mrs. Mudd, Capt. Cushing, Mrs. Dubbeld, the Doctor, and myself, and they stated they would go no further for the heat. I was very keen on seeing the small chapel up close, and with no objection from the rest of the group, the Doctor and I carried on alone.

For much of the way he and I walked in silence, looking everywhere but at the present company. Occasionally he would stop to observe some manner of plant or insect and I would patiently wait whilst he mumbled to himself about its properties. Finally, I could bear it no longer, and after a few false starts I spoke what was on my mind since the day prior. To him I said "Doctor, I hope that you realize that my Aunt is so prone to exaggeration and, dare I even say it, falsehoods regardless of the feelings of whatever party involved, and hope that you can understand that there are two sides to this tale she has told." I watched my feet parting the long grass and we carried on in silence for a bit longer before finally he replied "My dear Miss Waterman, I hope that you realize that I am an experienced adult and perfectly capable of formulating my own opinions of people from my own observations." No more on the topic was mentioned and I felt I had been given a sufficient answer to my many questions, albeit short.

As we approached the chapel we discovered that our original path was disrupted by a deep ravine which I could not have crossed. The Doctor, after observing our surroundings, quickly discovered an alternate and less treacherous route and finally we made it to the chapel. Such a sad and rather decrepit little building it was! Entirely shut up and boarded. To think I had risked my muslin on the blackberry brambles and my ankles on mole hills for it.

Disappointed though I was, I still felt the walk had not been a waste, for the Doctor and I were able to be in one another's company without other eyes, and it put me more at ease, though I cannot say why.

The alternate route we chose leading away proved more difficult than leading to it, and once or twice my footing and balance was at a risk so the Doctor obligingly offered me his hand for support and I gratefully took it. Out of harms way, though, the Doctor still held my gloved hand in his, and I politely said nothing but I could feel my heart begin to race and my cheeks flush as I walked just behind him, seeing my small hand buried in his. He seemed to realize the situation shortly after I did , and cleared his throat before saying to me "I do not believe it is necessary for us to still be holding hands." and released it. I could not fully hide my smile and looked away so that he would not see it either. How my heart fluttered! I only wish I could understand it and his behaviors.

We continued to walk in silence and the Doctor abruptly stopped before a small sprig of bright yellow wild flowers, crouching before them to examine their appearance before plucking them up from the ground. He looked at the sprig from all angles before handing them to me saying "If you would, Miss Waterman, I seem to have forgotten my vasculum". I obliged and took them, stating perhaps they might have been more lovely in their proper place in the ground. He looked at me with a frank expression and said to me in response "No, I think they are even lovelier where they are right now", and gave me a brief smile before turning on to walk further. I was grateful for his back being turned to me as I am positive I was blushing furiously. The flowers never did find their way into the vasculum, and I hold them in my lap this moment in the coach.

Before long we had arrived back at the house and took the opportunity to cool ourselves and take a bit of refreshment as the day was warming quickly. We toured all through the house and I fear I fell madly in love with it.

We had almost lost track of the time entirely and realized that we had better make hate to Lady Rockhold's camp for another afternoon tea. There was another splendid arrangement of things to eat ad the flavors of tea were spectacular. Lady Rockhold loaned me a copy of 'Pamela' to read whilst everyone was speaking amongst themselves and within moments I was entranced and found it difficult to put it down, but as the Doctor was called upon to read a piece from Henry V, I was obliged to redirect my attention. He did the speech much justice indeed and I was most impressed with the feeling in which he read. Perhaps if our paths ever cross again I shall ask him to read more Shakespeare.

After tea, the Doctor was once again requested to make another demonstration, and since I found myself unoccupied that day I accompanied him to watch and be informed. I was joined shortly thereafter by Mr. and Mrs. Houston, Mr. and Mrs. Mudd, and Mr. Minnis. It was a most enjoyable performance, and the crowed continued to grow so that the room was full and every seat taken. At one point, he even called upon me to assist him in showing how to use one of his instruments to listen to one's heartbeat, and as he laid it on my chest and put his ear to it felt as though my heart would beat right out of my chest. He noticed it immediately and to the crowd made a comment on it. I could not tell him when he asked that having him so close to me would cause my heart to make such movements at any time, but only smiled and went quickly back to my seat.

His presentation ended, and he collected his things whilst I waited silently by. The hour was getting late and my coach back to New York would be arriving soon. A new silence had descended over the Doctor, and I could only suspect it matched mine in purpose. Why, I was loath to leave! I discovered I had enjoyed myself with the new friends I had gained more than I had ever expected or hoped, and did not want to part their company for all the world.

Before I was ready against it, my things were packed in the coach to take me away, and the Doctor helped me in, pressing my hand gently in his and wished me safe journey back to the Hegwoods. He told me he would write me soon. It has already been an hour since last I felt his hand upon mine, but I swear I can feel it still. It has made me realize, just this moment, that I have not given Mr. Brennan a single though at all today. What is this that I am now experiencing? It is all so new. Perhaps I will write Mama and Kathryn when I arrive back in New York and ask advice.

I miss the Doctor's company already.

The point in which Miss Waterman falls for the house.

A snuck glance provides Miss Waterman with a memory of the
Doctor that will remain with her forever.

September 18, 1812

awoke today to find that sleeping on the ground did not suit me in an way. I was quite cold and stiff and had a fitful night's rest but it could not have dampened my spirits for all its discomforts.

I did; however, discover that in the rather cramped space it was terribly difficult to dress and it took me much longer than anticipated. I took into consideration today's attraction of the archery competition and chose my dress for the day accordingly. I dressed in my olive green muslin with brown silk trimmings and matching brown velvet Spencer and silk beret, as any other hat with a brim would hinder my sights in shooting. I felt even finer today than I did yesterday, and felt I did the fashions I chose justice whilst I wore them.

When finally I had finished preparing myself for the day (no small feat) I met with the Doctor by his tent and he walked with me to the archery field with something rolled and tucked beneath his arm. I could not guess what it was but suspected it involved the archery and waited as I knew I would find out soon enough.

As we reached the grounds there was still ample time before the tournament was to begin, and many of the ladies had already begun to gather, so whilst Mrs. Cooper finished her preparations it was suggested that the ladies present take a bit of practice. At this prompting, the Doctor who during this time was quietly speaking with Mr. Cooper stepped forward to pin what he had beneath his arm to the bales of hay before us. He had painted yet another novelty target for us to shoot and to all of our amusement and delight this particular target was a portrait of none other than Napoleon! We all had a splendid time taking shots at his smirking likeness and one of my shots even pierced him directly through the lips which brought forth from the Doctor a hearty cheer and lusty laugh from Mr. Cooper. I tried not to be too pleased with myself but I was unable to completely hide my smug smile.

When Mrs. Cooper was ready to begin, she gathered the ladies about her and read to us the rules of the competition whilst Mr. Cooper replaced Napoleon with a proper archery target for scoring and prepared for us bits of straw in varying lengths to help decide which of us would go first. After we all compared it was determined that I was to shoot third in line behind Mrs. Graham and Mrs. Dubbeld.

As I rose to shoot I could immediately feel my hands begin to shake. I risked a glance over my shoulder, catching the Doctor's eye. I cannot say if I imagined it, but I was almost convinced he bestowed upon me a small smile of encouragement and a nod, but as soon as it was noticed by me it was gone and he had already directed his attention elsewhere. No one else seemed to notice what had passed but I fear it had such an effect on my concentration that my very first shot was sent wildly to the left and the arrow was lost among the underbrush of the forest just beyond our archery range. I was mortified and felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment. I said nothing but lined up my second and third shot, both hitting the target. I silently put the bow into the rack and sat back down to watch without a single word still, my face continuing to burn while the gentleman searched for the wayward arrow among the brush. As I sat with my hands folded in my lap and eyes upon them I felt a gentle hand suddenly upon my shoulder and looked up startled to see the Doctor! He lifted his eyebrows at me and removed his hand to beckon me aside. Out of earshot he quietly chided me for being so cross and suggested I not to lose confidence, as he had not lost his in my ability yet. He looked down upon me and raised one eyebrow as if to say "do we have an understanding?" I bowed my head and he turned away from me to watch the rest of the first round of ladies.

This left me with quite an impression and did indeed help with my confidence, for as the tournament continued each of my sets proved better and better until with the last round I shot, I successfully marked the very center circle with an arrow. Alas, the Doctor had left before he could be witness to this shot as he was obliged to present yet again his craft.

During his absence, Sgt. Williams appeared stumbling down the small hill from the direction of the tents looking quite obviously into the drink, and took such abhorrent liberties with his tongue the likes of which I have never and wish to never be witness to again! I was terribly offended and upon expressing my horror at his lack of decency before ladies he proceeded to mock me and to fling the most abominable insults at me. I was quite beside myself and beseeched Mr. Cooper and Mr. Dubbeld who both had witnessed the entire event unfold to aid me, but both only shook their heads and told me he could not be altered in this state. Thankfully, the Doctor was seen walking down the hill from the pavilion towards us and I immediately stood and briskly went to meet him, imploring him to put Sgt. Williams right and stand for me. The Doctor turned coolly to Sgt Williams after my tale and proceeded to call the man out for actions, and it was decided between the two of them that a duel was to be the methods in which to settle this dispute and at four o'clock justice would be seen.

All through the tea that was provided for by the lively and generous Lady Rockhold I could scarce think of anything else but what the Doctor had willingly laid down for my sake, or so it seemed in my eyes. It followed me all through the dance lessons and I moved through each one without thought to conversation or anything but what was about to take place until I was brought out of my dark broodings as my hand was gently squeezed. I looked up as we circled to see the Doctor watching me, and it was his hand that was holding mine. I almost though I had imagined this too but this time I knew for certain it had happened. He continued to watch me through the progression of the dance until he no longer could and I felt very unsettled, unable to make sense of it.

The hour of the duel was upon us before I felt I had time to guard myself against it, and with an overwhelming sense of dread I clung to Mrs. Cooper arm, feeling my heart drop lower and lower as they turned and paced off, the Doctor standing tall and straight with no sign of fear, and Sgt. Williams wavering in his own steps. I could not look away though I wanted to see no more. Mrs. Cooper tried to reassure me in the Doctors aim and Sgt. Williams inebriation but I could not be convinced nor placated. They faced off and took aim, and for a moment the world held its breath, and a shot was fired. To my absolute horror it was Sgt. Williams who had shot! I almost lunged forward with a cry of terror if Mrs. Cooper had not detained me by the hand and bade me observe the Doctor, who seemed entirely unscathed and was looking at his pistol which would not fire with his usual cool manner. Sgt. Williams had missed! If ever there was a time I was to bless the drink it would have been that moment for it spared the Doctors life.

Beyond the crowds hearing words were exchanged and Sgt. Williams grabbed the blade at his feet and made to lunge at the Doctor who had made no movement to sink to Sgt. Williams’ level. Thankfully Sgt. Williams was detained by Mr. Cooper who had acted as his second in the duel and there would be no more acts of violence that day.

Upon his return to the pavilion, as quickly as I could within the constraints of propriety I approached the Doctor and could say nothing, only reach out a trembling hand and touch his arm.

Quite suddenly, the excitement and the heat took me and I was quite overcome, nearly fainting at the Doctors feet. For the first time since my arrival a look of surprise and concern crossed his face and he slipped for a brief moment out of his perpetual unruffled state. Bless Mrs. Cooper for being so directly on hand as I fear the Doctor was at an immediate loss of what to do! Mrs. Cooper knew exactly what to do to recover me enough to get me in a condition to be moved, and called upon the Doctor who carried me back to my tent and laid me down ever so carefully upon my makeshift bed.

He insisted upon staying by my side to see after my health and bathed my brow and neck with a cold wet cloth. He spoke very little, but there was a perpetual crease in his brow that said plenty. My condition prevented me from being able to exercise any sort of clear thinking, and I begged the Doctor to explain the correspondence I had seen the day before between him and my Aunt. After his unwavering show of heroism and kindness towards myself that day, I so desperately wanted him not to be a partner in my Aunt’s meddling ways.

He looked away and said nothing for some time, considering my request, and finally reached into his pocket where he had been keeping the letter and handed it to me to read. With some effort I propped myself up as to better read it and with hesitation opened it, bracing against what I may discover in the contents.

I was not, however, prepared for what was revealed to me. My Aunt had written to him the grossest and most hurtful exaggerations and tales of Mr. Brennan and myself, explaining to the Doctor that my name and reputation was in danger from various acts of impropriety I never participated in and accusing Mr. Brennan of being false in any affection he showed me and the and the most base of men, begging the Doctor to watch over me for my own protection like one of his own! I read the letter aloud and as I continued down the page began to work myself into such a furious state the Doctor had to calmly remove the letter from my hands until I had calmed myself enough to continue.

When I had concluded the awful thing and put it aside, my face burned with shame and anger. The doctor looked down at me and quietly said to me “Now Miss Waterman, I hope that this eases your mind and aids your understanding of both our situations.” I could say nothing and turned my face away from him lest he see the angry tears pricking my eyes, ashamed of my rage and the false idea the Doctor must have had of me.

With this he observed I was out of immediate danger to my health and allowed me some moments of solitude to assure all those concerned of my condition being on the mend. By the time of his return I had read the letter again, and was feeling my physical health returned but my heart was troubled with my mind. I look now upon the Doctor with new feelings that I could not fully understand nor describe, but they have made me almost shy of him, and any feelings of ill I had previously are all vanished.

It was suggested since I was well enough to be walking about without the aid of an arm that a few rounds of Blind Man’s Bluff, a favorite of mine, be played in the open space amongst the camps. I participated as much as I was able and even the Doctor joined in for a brief time, and I was pleasantly shocked to watch him laugh and carouse with the rest.

As the sun faded and darkness made conditions unfit to continue, Captain Cushing announced that there was to be an impromptu and rather informal country dance in the pavilion. I was keen to experience at least a couple dances unconcerned with the potential of impending violence, and the Doctor was kind enough to escort me though there were a number of others who could have done the task as well.

I danced only two dances before I discovered the events of today left me by far too exhausted to continue, and we stayed for a moment to watch the others continue, and it was quite a joy to see so much laughing and smiling, and I felt a weight no longer pressing on my shoulders and I was able to join in the laughter and the merriment unhindered.

Before long, I begged the Doctor to accompany me back as the darkness made it quite unsafe for me to make the walk alone, and presently I write wrapped comfortably in a quilt with what little light I have left, and can only wonder what tomorrow will bring in the light of what has unfolded today, and with the new knowledge I possess. America is proving to be more exciting than I could have hoped.